Dating: this word sparks more emotion in people than I have ever seen. Some rejoice, many shudder, others avoid it at all costs. Personally, I have responded to dating in each way, depending on the season I was in. Over the past three years, I have gone through cycles of dating on and off again. Some cycles saw great guys, good times, and genuine bonding. Other cycles sent me right back into hibernation from dating. Whew.
Back in April, I shared my doubts and wonder of God's promises in the department of a certain relationship and reconciliation. Reconciliation according to how I envisioned it. The past six months have been filled with a lot of steps towards this healing that I have been asking for - apologies from both of us, putting to rest past issues, and learning how to respectfully and thoughtfully communicate with one another. It also has felt like distance, closure, leaving something, maybe someone behind. Because it does not look the way I want it to and, let's be honest, a portion of this is driven by my pride, I am confused. Flustered even. I mean I did proclaim to all of the internet that we would get back together.
Ew. How embarrassing. I have heard other girls claim they know God has called them to be with a guy with whom they had just undergone a breakup. I have always pitied those girls. Now I am one of those girls.
Who's to say it's not true? Maybe it is just not time. Ben Stuart said, "the right guy at the wrong time is still the wrong guy." On the other hand, do crazy people actually know they are crazy? Maybe I'm not right for him either. I still try to control, and that is one thing I cannot do in a relationship. Control has to stay in the hands of our Mighty God. That was a big wakeup call this week - control. Little did I realize how tight of a grip I still had on the situation. God's not done nor is He submitting to my will, I am learning to submit (once again) to His will. No longer binding myself to my stubborn expectations, I am making my heart available to Him and His desires.
I am revisiting dating with a new perspective and a lot of prayer this time around. Meaningful conversation with a trusted coworker, brought about the challenge of evaluating dating as I go along. What is healthy? What could stand to be ironed out by God? What do I need to relinquish to His control? So with confidence, lightheartedness, and leaving room for Jesus in between - here we go. I'm bringing you along with me on this journey of imperfect progress. I'll be honest in weaknesses as well as strengths. New experiences and those that have formed a pattern. I do not know what this looks like in the big picture. I just know I'm called to share it in the moment, when it's fresh, when it hurts, when it's still a mystery to us all. We'll laugh, cry, throw up our hands, and try again. I'd ask you to come to the table but maybe if you would just duck behind some menus in the back corner, you could be my emergency getaway should a date go sideways? Thank you in advance.