Awakened

I started a business from scratch. I have lost over one hundred pounds! I live outside of the comfort of my family home and am making it. I do not have a husband to rely on to fix wobbly door knobs or put together furniture, so I have figured it out myself. I should be able to handle this. I talk to God every single day. Not just the blessing before meals; I get up before the sun does every morning to focus my heart, mind, soul, and body on Him. I am relying on Him. My soul cries out these things, yet the bottom line is: I am terrified because even though I am doing the right things. Even though I have grown tremendouslyover the past two years, I am still weak. I have never had to rely on God like this before. Correction: I have always needed to rely on God on this level, probably even more, but my progress has given me a false since that I am so much stronger than I really am. That I am self-sufficient and can fix anything. Fix anyone.

Oh, Beth Moore, God is using you and the book So Long, Insecurityto speak right to my soul. It quakes and so does the enemy. The tremors are so violent that the lies and doubts and fears fly off, right at the enemy’s head. I have to say, that part is fun to experience. The shaking and the quaking might have me all shook up, but the friction has started a fire that burns for change. Not that I will ever be strong enough to ever be independent of God. I am good with that. More than good. It takes an unrealistic expectation off of my life. Good, there goes one of about a million. Overall, it has awakened me to the depths of the heart behind 2 Corinthians 12:9…

“Each time he said, "My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness." So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me.”

I have had some pretty weak moments over the years. It has made me realize some weaknesses I carry around. Never did I grasp how deep these weaknesses are rooted. I am humiliated at their rising to the surface and admitting them to myself and to God! Imagine what it does to me to bring them to your attention! I do not tell you these things to gain your pity. In fact, I would prefer if you would not. I tell these things as a part of my commitment to this blog to be transparent. The beauty I see in this blog is that I am not writing from the future, the end result, the time when I look back and laugh on what has happened. I am writing to you smack dab in the middle and, friends, it is not all that funny right now. Yet, I am not without laughter. Ask my closest friends and they’ll fess up to the crushing times we have somehow managed to laugh through. I am so thankful to serve a God who brings laughter and joy in all situations and community to do it with.

“She is clothed in strength and dignity. She laughs without fear for the future.”

- Proverbs 31:25

Please do not misunderstand this positioning of us being weak and God being strong. He did not design it this way to enslave us to Him forever and ever. He designed it this way to give us rest and assurance that in our weaknesses we are still loved and protected by Him - amen. If you have had a relationship with your father that was more enslaving than parenting, my heart goes out to you and the fear it may strike in you to submit to another father figure. But let me reassure you and everyone else, no matter the father-child relationship, my God is the perfect Father. Our best, not just our good, is at the top of His priorities. Yes, His glory is above all, but He is not arrogant or putting Himself first, like we tend to do over one another. When He gets glory, it is for our best. He is our best. See how He sacrificed Jesus, the best, for our worst? Sounds to me like Him putting us first. Parents can relate. Something I cannot just yet, but I have seen a lot of sacrifice from an amazing mom who to this day, sacrifices over and over again for her two daughters and son-in-law. I am fortunate to have a parent and grandparents who demonstrate God’s love to me, something I no longer take lightly.

They say to be careful what you pray for. Throughout other posts, you have seen my prayer for living a life beyond myself. Well, facing insecurities is a much larger part of that than I ever realized. Insecurities force us into the patterns of a “normal life.” This norm is exactly what the enemy wants for us – over commit, stress out, cope in unhealthy ways, repeat. No. I refuse. I am not falling into the pattern of the “normal life” but living one that does not make sense without God.

No matter my weakness, “each time He [says], ‘My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness." So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me.”