Confession: I'm an Addict

Addiction: a personal state that does not just effect ourselves but our family, friends, and loved ones. It burns out relationships, burns up resources, and ultimately burns ourselves.

What many of you do no know is that I struggle with an addiction to control. Work, family, friends, dating - it shows up everywhere.

What does this addiction look like?

- being firmly black-and-white with little grace for in between (strictly by the rules, a.k.a. legalism)

- trying to live above reproach by living by all of the rules, a classic characteristic of "the Idealist" persona I hit on in Part II

- perfectionism with fear to move forward until whatever I am putting my mind to is perfect (resulting in very little movement, as you might imagine)

- indecisiveness because of my hangup on perfection and making absolutely sure I am making the right decision (impossible), leading to a wishy-washy lifestyle

- difficulty being vulnerable, avoiding it and stuffing it deep down

With family, I am constantly on a mission to declutter unhealthy habits out of fear of death. A phenomena that has occurred quite often and tragically throughout my 29 years, starting with the loss of my dad when I was just two years old. I try. Relentlessly. Annoyingly. To the point I push people away from the healthy decisions instead of pulling others along in encouragement. All because I cannot communicate this fear. Vulnerability.

With friends, I am chronically late to any and everything we do, keeping them waiting in my inconsistency. Wishy-washy. I can be quick to give advice when all they really need is a set of ears to listen. Control.

With with work, I am so by-the-book I will not move unless all pieces are in place. Perfectionism.

With dating, I set strict boundaries and push and pull the guy over them in an attempt to protect my heart while making absolutely sure he is the right one and only answer. Legalism. I guess that's why it's so important to let God guard my heart. I'm the worst, taking it to an extreme of completely walling up my heart.

The underlying thought over all of it, is that if I can control it, I won't get hurt. It doesn't quite work that way...shocking.

Pain is a part of life. That is what our brokenness brings. Yet when you know Jesus, you come to know healing on a whole new level.

Legalism, control, fear - you see, these words have been a theme over the past several blog posts. I've just come to realize this about myself. I'm addicted.

Admitting that hurts deeper than I can express to you. My tears well as my pride crumbles a bit more. It all goes back to that humility we were talking about in Part II. Without it, there is no change.

Change doesn't happen without humility.

Let me tell you, nothing brings on humility like admitting you need help. So for the past two months, I have been attending Celebrate Recovery. This is a program for any and all addicts. There are so much more of us and ways to be addicted, than I can wrap my mind around. But I'm not alone in my struggle.

They're not kidding when the cliche states, "the first step is the hardest." It's because the first step is admitting there is a problem and that you are powerless to fix it. It is a completely exposed, vulnerable state. It's where the healing begins. It starts here. Admitting it to you.

"Hi, I'm Megan.

I am a grateful follower of Jesus.

I struggle with addiction to control."