Updated: Aug 28, 2019
Last year, I wrote a blog post that gave some insight to a low time in my life, titled “Broken.” It was in the midst of confusion, heartbreak, and unknown of the future. Everything around me seemed to be falling apart – failing. What a hit-you-in-the-gut, sinking kind of feeling failure is.
This week at Hope Community Church, Pastor Kenny Hall spoke on the very subject of failure (see the link below). The series we are currently in is called “;” (semicolon). When you listen to the sermon below, you will hear the definition of a semicolon is that “it is used when the sentence could have ended but the author wanted to write more.” The series is based off of this concept. Many times, we are ready to slap a period behind situations in our lives but God wants to write more.
It inspired me to write my own semicolon story…
I was saved at the young age of eleven years old. I am a PK (preacher’s kid) and am extremely blessed to have been raised - still being raised - in a God-loving household. It wasn’t until I was twenty-six years old that I finally saw that a relationship with God wasn’t performance-based. The man I thought I would marry and I came to such a heartbreaking end, my workplace went through a workforce reduction, and with no backup job in sight I took their voluntary resignation package and stepped into financial insecurity.
Everything God was calling me to step away from were things I had relied on for security – a relationship, job titles/status, and money. When I thought the period had been put behind Cleveland County, God was putting a semicolon and whispering “just wait.” He made it clear on staying instead of fleeing to another city where I would have sought solace in the very things He had just called me out of. He kept me here to face failures and start new successes. He spurred the fitness movement and the drive to launch this company I had been sitting on for three years. I was selfish, blinded by the world’s desires/expectations, and insecure to the core. Jesus stepped in and bore my burdens. Now, my load is spiritually, mentally, emotionally, and physically ( literally 100 lbs.) lighter! Amen! Now, I want to love others because I love myself and want to live a life far from the "normal."
Now, I want to love others because I love myself and want to live a life so far from the “normal.”
We shared our semicolon stories last night in our women’s Community Group. It wasn’t a time to gawk at each other’s failures, but to lift one another out of the shame that oppresses us after a taking an L. It was amazing the way God spoke through the words of these women. Some who understood exact elements of my story, others who were facing completely different semicolon moments.
A combination of their words answered the very questions that cycle through my mind, giving me peace from a unhealthy thought process I am so over. Though clarity has been received over the different security blankets from my semicolon story, the one I still wrestle with is God’s promise of reconciliation between this man and me.
Maybe I heard You wrong?
Maybe the direction has changed. Maybe reconciliation does not look like what You envisioned. Didn't you two just go through the apologies and created good closure to the past?
What if I am always misunderstanding You and it brings doubt in all that I do for You?
Maybe I am teaching you how to hear My voice and not listen to the voice of expectations and other people.
What if starting over is going to be long and hard?
Starting over is going to be long and hard whichever direction this goes. It is probably even harder starting over with the same guy.
What if I have invested all of this time, the resources, and the care into us and now another girl, not a bimbo but actually a good girl, reaps the benefits?
I have called you to pray for his good, right? Didn't you even pray for him to be with a good girl with a loving family?
What if… so many “what ifs.”
What if I’ve got this and only want the best for you both and you just learn to trust me?
These are all questions that torment us when dealing with the aftermath of a breakup or a divorce. What I have learned from talking to other women is that these are things we are all afraid to even think over, let alone put out there for others to make comments. I especially did not want to post these intimate thoughts on a public blog. Pastor Kenny Hall indirectly challenged us by stating “Jesus wants us to confront our failures so He can cover them. Failure is not our enemy, but actually our ally. Our failures can be used to strengthen others around us.” I have found this to be exactly the case. I have taken him up on his challenge this week. I have taken a closer look at my failures and followed up in action, not just in this romantic relationship but in work, in being a better family member and friend, and in so many other ways I have come up short. It has created a new confidence in me and in that confidence, the energy and drive to make right what I can. Had we not shared our semicolon stories last night, I would not have received the answers to these tumultuous questions. It has given me unexplainable peace in such a short amount of time, took me back to when I first met Jesus and how good He is, and has reminded me that whatever the direction may be, He’s got me. And that is where I can place a period. He’s got me.