Confession: It is the morning of the ribbon cutting of Pope Marketing & Events, and I feel absolutely silly for thinking I can do this. The two weeks, I have felt every emotion over this company - joy, peace, excitement, anxiety, fear, frustration, and defeat. Greed, pride, and a craving for attention washes over me in waves, making it hard to see what God wants me to. If being a business owner looks that selfish, I want no part in it. Running to a full time job elsewhere was very tempting on quite a few days. Hurtful words hurled my way have landed like a knife in my heart and my confidence leaks out. The printed materials I have been working on for over a month, were not ready in time. Not having my whole family here for it breaks my heart. And my nails are still unpainted. Is it too late to call it off?
Growing pains are real. I realize that every day in this company. I mess up and it is a learning experience. The emails continue to pile up to the point I cannot breath. I try my hardest and things still fall through. It doesn't seem right. If I am working this hard, why aren't things turning out perfectly? It frustrates me to no end.
Not the post you would expect on what is supposed to be a joyous occasion, right? That's what I am pouting about this morning, and I want to be transparent about it. For those considering an entrepreneurial escapade, it is not for the faint of heart.
But, oh, it is worth it. God has outdone Himself in how He has formed this company. He is showing me glimpses of what is to come right on the heels of all that He has created thus far. Ways that I would have never thought would be possible, PME family members beyond my wildest imagination, and support from the most unexpected. I stopped yesterday and asked out loud, "why would these giants want to work with me?"
It is more than a Sunday School answer, it is true. He is true. He is love and He is loving on me in a big way. He loves me enough to let it hurt and toughen me up. He is honest enough to let the consequences of my mistakes come around to teach me the hard lessons. He is gracious enough to not let these mistakes be the end of my world. He is merciful enough to give me a new start each morning. As for the hurtful words? He is tender enough to heal my wounds with even stronger words of encouragement.
You will continue to suffer if you have an emotional reaction to everything that is said to you. True power is sitting back and observing things with logic. True power is restraint. If words control you that means everyone else can control you. Breathe and allow things to pass. - Warren Buffet
Seems to be working for Warren, maybe I should give it a try. The response from the family and friends who are coming has been overwhelming. I cannot focus on the things that I do not have when what I do have is so good. The mistakes I have made have opened my eyes and implanted in me a drive to change habits that will bring chaos to my life, only if I hold onto them. I am surrendering them to God. It is an ongoing battle, but it is not mine to win. I only need to show up and watch as He wins this battle on my behalf. For me! The same God who created each star, takes the time to step in my battles for me. He doesn't just promise to fight them, He promises a win. I can tell you from experience that I like those odds better than when I try to take them in my own hands. Writing this blog post from my living room floor this morning, it puts me in a posture of surrender, lowering my expectations to fulfill His. Freedom. It is pure freedom.
"This is what the Lord says to you: ‘Do not be afraid or discouraged because of this vast army. For the battle is not yours, but God’s...Take up your positions; stand firm and see the deliverance the Lord will give you, Judah and Jerusalem. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Go out to face them tomorrow, and the Lord will be with you.’” - 2 Chronicles 20: 15 & 17