Updated: Jan 13, 2019
January 1, 2017
On, but mostly off, for all of my life I have journaled. I was always bored with it right off the bat, so it never lasted more than just a few days. In the face of the hardest season in my life, it has provided a new form of communication with God. It allows me to go back and see the progress that is taking place and the ways God is working, even if I did not realize it at the time. I thought I would start by sharing my first journal entry from January 1, 2017. As I was thinking my world was ending, it was really just beginning (I see the timing you had there, God - well played).
Lord, this is a new start. A journal for the broken-hearted, young professional, confused, unorganized, sometimes lazy, fearful seeking to be fearless - Happy New Year!
I don't put a lot of weight into New Year's resolutions. I might make one or two, but usually know that they will not be kept. Or if they are, it's because of my own determination to stick to my goals, not because of the new year and all of its expectations. But boy, did I not have a choice this year. I mean January 1 - BOOM - there went my relationship. A few weeks before it, the security of my job. A few days after, the potential, but not promise, of furthering the career I actually wanted. It's crazy. It's terrifying. It's humbling. It hurts.
You're breaking me, Lord. Stripping away everything I can hide behind to avoid taking on the goals I know I should have been seeking through You for a while now. Goals I made promises to You about, then turned around and fell right back into the same old ways. I've made false promises, knowing ahead of time I wouldn't try much because that would mean giving up things I wasn't ready to. I've beat around the bush of reality as much as I possibly could and my beating and sugar-coating has gotten me in situations I now must face. Now is my time to face it all, Lord. Now is my time to throw myself into being a better person; the person I don't just say and think that I am but the person I actually want to be and the person You want me to strive to be. Now is our time to bond in a way that can't be broken by the future. I have no more excuses. I have no more sugar. I have no more energy to run. Here I am, Lord. A mess, but ready to listen. This is often when we listen best. I want this time to be different, though. I want it to stick in my stubborn ways. I want this to be my permanent way. Good or bad, rain or shine, I want to take the U.S. Postal Service's pledge of commitment.
"Neither snow, nor rain, nor heat, nor gloom of night, nor the winds of change, nor a nation challenged, will stay us from the swift completion of our appointed rounds ("United States Postal Service Creed," 2017)."*